Communicating with teenagers - By Guest Blogger Indu Khurana (Ms)

Communicating with teenagers

Teenagers are the beings that inhabit adolescence, and “adolescence” is the time gap or stage of development that each of us goes through in the transition point between childhood and adulthood.

It is a time of rapid and successive change: Physically as well as emotionally our systems seem to develop a mind of their own and to a degree become out of (our) control. It is often a time of conflict – with friends, parents, relatives, even ourselves. In many ways it is a time of not knowing, changing expectations, difficult feelings, not feeling understood by others, secrets, testing the boundaries, a desire for autonomy, an unreadiness for taking responsibility, and so many other contradictory things. It is a state of limbo, where we are neither one nor the other.

Perhaps the best analogy is that of the caterpillar and the butterfly: Many adolescents like caterpillars, start to withdraw from those around them, becoming focused on a very narrow world of friends, music and perhaps a narrow personal selection of other things. Feelings that are running rife during this time may include low confidence, shame, anger, sadness, euphoria. It is a time of new experiences, new feelings, and new perspectives. This can sound exciting from the outside, and knowing that it is not happening to you, helps. But from the inside, it is a frightening position to be in, as the world you know and are familiar with, is being turned upside down.

For some of us it can be a time when the archetype of Dionysus is invoked, where the young person starts to lead a hedonistic, daimonic and ecstatic lifestyle  that focuses on the intensity of the experiences rather than any clarity or structure of meaning.  This is the alchemical stage of Solutio where the adolescent goes through a type of disintegration, before taking on the next shape of adulthood. Certainly there is an element of Mortificatio at the latter stages that aligns to the rebirth that takes place as the youth emerges from the cocoon into the adult butterfly insect.  The fact that many adolescents find this time to be a dark place also fits within this stage of alchemy. For others, this can be a time of Seperatio, where the teenager genuinely feel cut off from the world, and perhaps themselves. They do not have a sense of connection or belonging – it can be a time of intense alienation.

Keeping the channels of communication open (from your end), even though your teenager is being unreasonable, outrageous, moody, changeable, is key. It is important to separate out the person from the behaviour, so that you genuinely feel able to say “I love you but I don’t like that behaviour”. Sometimes it can feel like a replay of the tape from when your child was a toddler: That is because it is! Developmentally, we all go through very similar issues or behaviours in our teenage years as we did during the toddler years, and your teenager is doing the same. Those familiar issues of boundaries, testing out, defiance, impulsivity, grandiosity (thinking they know it all – you don’t understand),acting out, learning a new set of emotions, poor listening skills, a new level of consciousness and then having to learn how to express that in a way that is appropriate to your societal culture are rife at this stage of development.

There are many feelings that are difficult to understand for both those on the inside as well as others. For those on the outside, i.e. those trying to relate with the teenager, these factors would in my opinion be worth bearing in mind:-

Trust                           -           prove yourself worthy of it

Responsibility           -           walking the fine line of giving some but not too much

Boundaries               -           learning which need to be held steadfastly.

Listen                         -           to what they have to say

Ask                             -           if they want your input

Remember                -           your own adolescence (be empathic)

Accept                        -           the person developing in front of you

Be prepared              -           to be hated and needed at the same time

Remember, different things work for different people and in different situations. This means you generally have to try various things before you find the one that works for your family. But most importantly, talk to them not at them.

© Indu Khurana

Indu Khurana (Ms)

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www.sunai.co.uk