One small step for most, one giant leap for Emily Jones – looking for my confidence!

So I am on a mission to find my lost confidence, I know it is somewhere but I lost it a while back and I am having trouble finding it again...

I am a what I call a naturally shy person, it is in my make-up – passed down on my Mother’s side, but I am fed up with feeling that low level fearfulness that lays in the pit of my stomach and which shows itself in so many different forms and at times when I need the most courage.

Physical symptoms include redness of the cheeks which spreads across the nose and out to my ears, a shaky voice when speaking in front of people, loss of concentration, an inability to hear what someone is telling me even though I am desperately trying to listen, negative voices in my head telling me what I am doing wrong at that very moment – i.e. “hello, I am your negative voice and I wasn’t sure if you were aware but at this very moment you are standing funny, your voice sounds a bit shaky, that last thing you said was not funny, the person you are with is not interested in what you are saying because it is stupid...oh and you are laughing way to loud!” That voice is enough to send me packing, running back to my house with my head hung low!

This low level of fear is the same fear that stops me achieving what I want to achieve, it has run my life for way to long now and I want to banish it, for good! This is the same fear that stops me enjoying myself, makes me avoid situations which I have learnt makes me feel shy , makes me think of so many ways of how I can get out of doing something – I am feeling ill, tired, I didn’t want to go anyway, my daughter needs me at home, I want to sit at the back of the classroom at University, I need to look down at that mark on the table when a teacher asks a question, I like to look around me and not make eye contact...

So I have been at University for 3 years now studying law – my education is going well...but my confidence levels have not much improved and would get a mark of an F if marked by a teacher...I want to be a lawyer, but I need to beat this confidence thing to get there.

Believe me I have tried many a thing to improve it, medication from my GP (I have tried two types..one made me feel manic – my house had never looked so clean and one made me feel like my head was in a fluffy cloud with cotton wool in my ears...) I have tried therapy – I turned up and my therapist looked the same age as my daughter and didn’t look like he had a clue about life yet – and yes he did still live with his mum. All that happened was that I was put in front of a computer and had to fill in questions like between 1 and 10 how is your mood today – “well believe me it has gone down since sitting in front of this programme! “

So my mission if I choose to accept it ,is to find out what makes people have this confidence that I seek, how do they have it, and I want to try out finding ways of getting it myself...is it possible to become confident. Education is all very well but just as important is a good balance of confidence and belief in yourself! It is fine getting a 1^st in a degree but what happens at the interview to get that job – yes, I got a 1^st but no I can’t seem to answer your question without going the shade of a beetroot, playing nervously with this bit of paper and speaking way to fast so I can get out of here!  

So over the next coming weeks I am going to research and try out some different methods to see if any of them help me become the confident woman I have always dreamed of being. Give me luck!